Help:
The act of providing or receiving assistance, support, or relief. Not a foreign concept to any of us. After all, we’ve been taught from an early age to help others and to ask for help when we need it.
Why does asking for help often feel so much harder than offering it?
01Why You Hesitate
Fear of Judgment
“What will others think of me?” “I will be seen as a failure.” “Everyone will think I am incompetent.”
Sound familiar?
In a competitive and often indifferent society, struggling can be seen as weakness. Employers might view someone in need as a liability, which forces people to mask their struggles so they are not seen as needy, incapable, struggling or incompetent.
This is why most people fail to recognize the signs of depression and suicidal tendencies in others until it’s too late.
All those TV ads showing the happiest person in a group taking their life are not meant to deliver an M. Night Shyamalan twist.
They are meant to show you that people are hiding their struggles to fit into a society that does not value their struggles.
Shame
This is one of the biggest reasons why we hesitate to ask for help. The shame of admitting that we can’t handle everything on our own can be overwhelming.
Think about the last time you really needed help. Did you hesitate, telling yourself, “I’ll ask if it gets worse”? Or did you feel ashamed, believing that reaching out meant acknowledging failure?
What image are you trying to protect that’s more important than your well-being?
Societal Expectations
If you’re a man, society has probably convinced you that you’re on your own. No one is coming to save you, and your problems are just that, your problems.
Statistically, only about 25% of men are willing to seek help, often only under extreme circumstances. Compare this to around 50% of women.
It’s no wonder that homelessness, suicide, loneliness, and depression are more prevalent among men. By the time a man seeks help, it’s often too late.
For women, asking for help can be fraught with the fear of being labeled as needy, dramatic, or emotional. This stigma makes it easier to stay silent about struggles.
02What Can You Do to Change This?
All Change Begins with a Conversation.
Start by shifting the narrative around how asking for help is perceived. When someone speaks negatively about seeking help, challenge that mindset. Remind them that their words can impact someone’s decision to reach out, potentially leading to dangerous outcomes.
If someone asks you for help, recognize that they trust you. How you choose to help is up to you, but dismissing them outright can make them feel like a burden.
Instead, guide them toward resources that might better suit their needs, but do so with empathy. No one likes to be passed around without explanation.
Recognize the Signs
People who are struggling tend to become withdrawn and distant. They start to become antisocial. Everyday activities can feel overwhelming. Many who are struggling financially also display antisocial behavior.
Learn to notice drastic changes in behavior or sudden shifts in personality traits. If you are confident in your assessment, start easing people into a conversation about their struggles. Proceed at their pace and give them space to process and open up.
My favorite way to start is by talking about my mental health and what I’m doing to make it better. End with this question:
“What about you? What do you do to take care of your mental health?”
Hasn’t failed me so far.
Keep a List of Resources
I keep a list of contacts and resources in my phone, all grouped under “help,” that provide support for mental health, domestic abuse, sexual assault, addiction services, etc.
I started doing this because I have been in positions many times where people asked me for help, and I had no clue how to even start a proper conversation. Keeping these numbers on hand has made it easy for me to figure out a good starting point, let them know what services are available, and ask if they’d like me to start a conversation on their behalf.
It will surprise you to know that many who struggle have absolutely no clue what kind of services are available to them or where to even start.
You are in a position to properly process information and send it down the right path.
Be that person, at the very least.
03How to Ask for Help
The first step is finding the courage to admit you need help and accepting that you don’t have to do it alone. Then
Believe it or not, it’s as simple as walking up to people you trust, whether they are your friends, family, or acquaintances, and saying you need help with your struggles.
If you are unable to open up to people in your life, or you lack the right kind of people in your life, your next best step is to find what services and resources are available to you.
Remember to be clear and direct about your issues. This will help others identify how they can help or what resources you need to get back on your feet.
There’s no need for decorum when asking for help. Struggles aren’t always silent and polite, and those who genuinely want to help will understand that.
It’s natural to be scared to ask for help, and it’s okay if you have to ask multiple people until you get the help you need.
But it all starts with you asking for help.
