My days are spent talking to people about one thing or another, whether I am selling my web development services, facilitating discussions on societal change, communicating instructions for my ventures, or just having a conversation with someone.
I talk a lot.
Getting good at conversing is one of the most valuable skills I have developed, and I have no problem admitting that it took me far too long to figure out what needs to be said and, more importantly, how it should be said.
You have most likely learned that the first step to being a good conversationalist is to become an active listener. This is not entirely true, because I do not think it fully captures what is needed to master the art of conversation.
Let me break it down for you.
01Every Conversation Starts With A Question
Hi! How are you? How was your day? What did you do today? What do you do for a living?
These questions and their variations are the most common ways people start a conversation. I detest these questions because of how formulaic they are. And because they are formulaic, you will almost always get a formulaic response.
Hi! How are you? → I am good, how about you? How was your day? → Not too bad. How about you? What did you do today? → Worked at the office, picked up groceries, and made dinner. What about you? What do you do for a living? → I am a marketing specialist at XYZ. I specialize in creating go-to-market strategies. And you, what do you do?
These responses feel boring and set the stage for a formulaic back and forth.
However, the responses may be boring, but it does not mean the person responding is boring. Their reply to these questions is something they have said a thousand times before. There is no excitement or passion in the delivery because it has become an automated response.
It’s not their fault. It’s yours.
You need to ask better questions.
What exciting adventures have you been on today? What problems do you solve every day? What’s got you smiling today? Learn anything fun today?
These types of questions are not just different for the sake of being different; they force the responder to think about their answer and take an active interest in the conversation. You are no longer triggering an automated response. You are prompting them to reflect and respond.
Those are the kinds of responses that spark stimulating conversations.
Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself and see.
02Facial Expressions And Emotions Set The Tone
It is human nature to match and respond to the energy and mannerisms of the person you are talking to. This is an underrated piece of knowledge that very few people take advantage of.
You can set a serious tone by approaching the conversation with a deeper voice and a serious facial expression. Or
You can set an approachable, welcoming, and positive tone with a slightly upbeat voice and a positive facial expression, such as a smile or a look of excitement.
Believe it or not, we learn to respond to the energy of the other person at a very young age.
Keep in mind that the energy you bring affects the quality of the conversation. Many people are not good at handling serious conversations right away. It is best to start with a welcoming and positive tone, then gradually move into a more serious tone. This gives the other party an opportunity to get comfortable and deliver the right responses. It also makes you more approachable and easier to talk to.
The energy you bring to a conversation also affects the perception of your character. The idea that you need to be serious all the time will drive people away and drastically reduce the quality of your conversations.
And. The idea that you need to be constantly amusing and approachable will make it easy for people to take you for granted, and your conversations will start to seem hollow.
Finding a balance and recognizing the tone that is needed will help steer conversations in the direction you want.
My technique for recognizing how a conversation is flowing, or what style is needed, is to observe the other person’s facial expressions and the way they phrase their sentences.
It is easy to tell when someone is nervous, confused, angry, or simply not interested. Our faces give away a lot of information through expressions, and filler words like “ummm,” “aaah,” or “hmmm” indicate if someone is caught off guard or is not sure what to say.
These are your cues to adjust your tone and expressions.
03Pronunciation And Enunciation
Being an effective conversationalist requires that people not only understand your words but also understand the gravity and emotions behind them. This is achieved through proper pronunciation and enunciation.
Before we dive deeper into this section, let’s clear up one thing:
Pronunciation is how a particular word should sound when spoken. (e.g., She read a book vs. She will read this book)
Enunciation is the act of speaking clearly and stating each word distinctively and completely. (e.g., He is going shopping vs. He is goin’ shopping)
It can be difficult to pronounce words clearly if you have an accent and the language you are speaking is not your mother tongue. This is where enunciation and pacing come into play. Learning to pace yourself and ensuring that you are stating each word completely, rather than shortening it, will have a measurable impact on the way you speak, and over time it will help you pronounce words clearly.
On the flip side, if you are speaking your mother tongue, pronouncing words clearly will help you better pace what you are saying and will automatically help improve your enunciation.
I see pronunciation and enunciation as the difference between a toddler beating haphazardly on a drum set (making noise without rhythm) and a skilled drummer creating a steady beat.
You want to achieve a rhythm by practicing pronunciation and enunciation.
04The Ultimate Exercise To Master The Art Of Conversation
There is a very simple exercise you can do to become better at conversations. However, it will require stepping way outside your comfort zone and accepting your faults and quirks.
Ready? You will record yourself speaking or reading, and then you will play it back and listen to it.
Once you overcome the cringe of listening to your voice, which usually takes around 5 or so recordings, you will start to recognize how you are perceived when you speak.
Are you pacing yourself? Are you using the right tone? Are you mispronouncing words? Are you using too many filler words like “ummm,” “aaah,” or “hmmm”?
The goal is to become familiar with your “outside” voice and make adjustments as needed. Once you try this exercise, you will understand exactly what I am trying to communicate here.
A little tip for those who plan on doing this exercise: Record the first two sessions, and then, before you record the third one, say the word “Auburn” a few times. Notice the impact it has on the pitch of your voice.
05So where does this all lead us?
Mastering the art of conversation goes beyond the words you use.
It is about asking questions that spark genuine curiosity, bringing the right energy to every interaction, and speaking with clarity and purpose. It is also about connecting with people so both of you walk away feeling heard and understood.
Remember that real growth happens when you step outside your comfort zone. Recording yourself, reflecting on your speaking habits, and making small adjustments can make the difference between a dull exchange of words and a life-changing dialogue. Listen carefully, speak with intention, and above all, enjoy the process of discovering fresh perspectives.
Every conversation is a chance to grow, learn, and connect on a deeper level.
